Funny story

Only read this
when you are able to
laugh out loud

I went to Home Depot recently while not being
altogether sure that course of action was a wise
one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared
and consumed a massive quantity of my patented
'you're definitely going to crap yourself' road-kill
chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of
being painful, which comes with a written
guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day
both of your butt cheeks will fall off.
Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning,
and even after two cups of coffee nothing
happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the
chillies swimming their way through my intestinal
tract, I was unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder
and lightning'.
Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come,
yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for
Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies
to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at
first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for
purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite
end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit
me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what
I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh,
Crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us
at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
different. The chillies from the night before were
staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and
before I could take one step in the direction of the
toilets which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The chillies fired a warning shot.
There I stood, alone in the paint and stain
section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the
likes of which has never before been recorded. I
was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile
odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowlly, the
pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body and I began to move up the aisle and out of
it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner
and asked if I needed any help.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped
to see what his reaction would be to the toxic
non-visible fog that refused to dissipate. Have
you ever been torn in two different directions
emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure
some of you at least will be able to relate. I
could've warned that poor clerk but didn't. I
simply watched as he walked into an invisible,
and apparently indestructible wall of odor so
terrible that all he could do before gathering his
senses and running, was to stand there blinking
and waving his arms about his head as though
trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course,
made me feel terrible but then made me
laugh,.....BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's the thing, when you laugh, it's hard to
keep things'clamped down'. With each new
guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my
nether region. Some were so loud and echoing
that I was later told a few folks in other aisles
had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing
the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly
things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming and
I raced off through the store towards the toilet,
laying down a cloud the whole, praying that I'd
make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I
got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my
Gosh', floating above the toilet seat because my
butt is burning so bad, purging. One poor fellow
walked in while I was in the middle of what is the
true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a
gogging sound and disgustedly said, 'did it smell
that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired
my partially filled cart intending to carry on with
my shopping when a store employee approached
me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside
for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set
off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or
two which ought to take care of the problem.'
My smirking of course set me off again causing
residual gases to escape me. The employee took
one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and pointing at me in an accusing
manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and
asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without my supplies I realized that
there was nothing to eat but leftover chile, so I
consumed two more bowls. The next day I went
to shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that
because we are in court over the whole matter.
Creeps claim they're going to have to repaint the
store.