Best Things Ever

Chuck Norris

Timelessness-Contemporary Times
Often credited with creation of the physical
universe , Chuck Norris is also a noted ass-
kicker and doer of good deeds. All legends
throughout the history of mankind are directly
attributable to Norris' actions, including the
bringing of fire to mankind and the Biblical
flood . His beard conceals a third fist, rather
than the standard chin, and his famed
roundhouse kick was the real cause of the
destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Of late,
Mr. Norris has been keeping a lower profile
than normal, although rumor has it that Norris
will rise again when angels walk the Earth .
Only time will tell if this is a fact.
Note: Unfortunately, no picture of Chuck
Norris is available; this is due to the fact that
he occupies over twenty dimensions, making
it physically impossible to capture him on film,
or in prison.

God

Timelessness-4 billion BC
He was the only thing for an unimaginably
long stretch of time.

Oxygen

4 billion BC-60 million BC
In the beginning, Optimus Prime created the
heavens and the earth, and a bunch of other
boring shit that everyone takes for granted.
Yadda yadda yadda, and then He created life .
This life promptly died within the first few
minutes of creation, no matter how many
times He tried to make it. Eventually, He
realized that the life He created couldn’t
breathe, and so He invented oxygen , which
allowed life to flourish.
Optimus Prime then realized that, according
to the list, He had created something even
more important than Himself, and went into
seclusion for 4 billion years and running. His
last words were reportedly “Yeah, well, I was
on the list the longest, and nothing’s going to
take that record from me!”
And you know what? There’s no way to prove
Him wrong.

Monkeys.

60 million BC-45 million BC
And the life known as ‘ Dinosaur ’ died, and so
humans stepped up to claim their position as
the greatest species on planet earth. They
survived the alien death rays that killed off
the dinosaurs, and as such, they celebrated.
They threw such a wild party that creation
itself took notice of them, and inscribed homo
sapiens on the Official List of the Best Things
in Existence. Of course, this was BEFORE it
found out what man had left flaming on it's
front doorstep. After that, it was just too late.

Language

45 million BC-20 million BC
Language is believed to have first been
discovered around 45,000,000 BC when,
moving rocks from one big pile of rocks to
another large pile of rocks, an unnamed
caveman dropped a rock on his foot and
uttered the pivotal first word: “Moog”. Modern
scholars have extensively studied this word
and translate “Moog” as “Fuck my toe”.
Language has several branches on the Official
List of the Best Things in Existence, which are
listed under three separate entries.

Punctuation

40 million BC-35 million BC
Did the anonymous caveman want someone
to attempt sexual intercourse with his toe? In
40,000,000 BC a solution that would last until
the 1990s was created when periods,
commas, question marks, semicolons, weird
things like ΅ that no one really uses, and
exclamation points entered language, finally
allowing people to differentiate sentences.
Thus, “Moog” was promptly amended to
“Moog!” which translates into “Fuck! My toe!”

Singing

35 million BC-25 million BC
The first musical, 2 Guys, a Girl and a
Brontosaurus * was performed 35,000,000 BC,
and the world has never been the same. So
pleasing were the sudden discoveries of things
like tone, pitch, and screaming angst that in
some cultures, notably the Watusi tribe in
what is now modern-day Kenya, the tone deaf
were put to death for their displeasing
warblings.
*the only musical about both bestiality and
foursomes.
Saying Things While Belching
25 million BC-20 million BC
Recorded history shows that on March 20,
25,000,000 BC, Grok Ingersoll belched in mid-
sentence, yet talked right through out the
gaseous emission. His fellow tribesmen found
this so hilarious that they rolled on the ground
laughing for a solid half hour. For the next five
million years, saying things while belching
was considered the funniest joke ever. This
tradition carries on in the noble Canadian
national sport, Saying the Alphabet While
Belching, and the Afghani national sport,
Burping for Allah .
The Wheel
20 million BC-5 million BC
The wheel was first invented 20,000,000 BC
and was primarily used for hunting. Early
hunters would roll large rock wheels down
hills, hoping to hit various animals for dinner.
This practice was the precursor to hitting deer
with your car.

Evolution

5 million BC-4,000 BC
Right about 5,000,000 BC, humans finally lost
their tails. This was seen as a good thing, as
tails often carried bugs and diseases and
hindered primitive fashion considerably with
their unseemly bulging. Evolution was
invented and glorified, and for nearly
5,000,000 years it was hailed as the greatest
thing since the wheel.

Beer

4,000 BC-3,000 BC
Like we even need to say anything here. Beer
was first invented by the Egyptians , so let’s
all raise a glass to those geniuses of drinks.
Opium and Cheese Sandwiches
40 million BC-35 million BC
When Oda Nobunaga was eating lunch with a
retarded , schizophrenic albino hillbilly , he
accidentally spilled some of his opiates into
the youngster's string-cheese and ritalin
sandwich . It was that day that the greatest
damn thing to ever meet sliced bread was
born. Opium and cheese sandwiches are also
produced as byproducts of the cellular
respiration of mollusks and neo-
conservatives.

Boats

3,000 BC-2,900 BC
Let’s be honest here: Even with beer and
wheels and no tails, life in the Old World was
crowded and smelly. Luckily, several brave
adventurers noticed the large bodies of water
that would later be known as the
Mediterranean Sea, the Pacific Ocean , the
Caspian Sea, and Isaac’s Swimming Pool in
his Back Yard. They noticed how wood floated
on water and, together, hypothesized how
they could use this to transport themselves
across the waters. Finally, in 3,000 BC, they
built the first boat and set out for new lands.
History doesn’t record these early ventures,
because they all failed, but it's the thought
that counts, right?.

Getting Boats Right

2,900 BC-1,500 BC
Nearly 100 years after the first boat was
made, the first successful boat was made, and
the Vikings sailed from Europe to America,
where they married the Indians and never
came back. This amazing feat was
accomplished by removing the hole in the
bottom of the boat that was meant to be a
toilet. Luckily, they left blueprints..

sacandals

1,500 BC-47 BC
Sandals were a universal godsend, as nearly
every culture on Earth discovered them
around the same time, all giving positive
reviews. The Hebrews said “Whether
wandering in the desert for forty years,
running from our captors or defeating our
would-be oppressors, sandals keep our feet
comfortable.” The popular Roman
advertisements claimed “Sandals: JVST DO
IT!” Even the Japanese , on the other side of
the world, noted “The sandal prevents our feet
from turning hard and calloused like that of a
dog .”

Cæsar's Mom

47 BC-42 BC
One year after the crowning of Julius Cæsar ,
an April Fool's prank was played, where
Cæsar's Mom was named "The Best Thing
Since Sandals". Cæsar himself was even sent
an anonymous telegram that read, "Dvde, yovr
mom is hot as fvck ". Before fighting to their
deaths, gladiators were required to sing the
song "Cæsar's Mom Has Got it Going On".
Cæsar was not amused, but as it was already
written on the list, there was nothing he could
do about it. He publicly decried the
appointment of his mother as one of the Best
Things Ever and threatened to crucify whoever
started the prank.
In 46 BC, Cæsar was sent another note,
reading "Cæsar, lighten vp! Wovld it be better
if we said 'Yovr mother looks like a common
whore, and she smells like she has jvst
svrvived a battle with the lions'?"
Many were suspected of having started the
joke. Suspects include:
Brutus
Pliny the Younger
Cleopatra
Jesus of Nazareth
Oscar Wilde
Cæsar's mother herself
Sandals 2: Electric Boogaloo
42 BC-1 AD
Following Caesar’s assassination in 42 BC,
the joke about his mom being one of the Best
Things Ever was thought to be in crude taste
(because the old slut was wrinkly like a raisin,
her tits being so saggy that she could tie
them together), and sandals were once again
named the Best Thing Ever. Critics said that
this reign was just a tired retread of all the
jokes and characters found in the original
appointment of sandals, however.

Jesus of Nazareth

1 AD-33 AD
A stunning display of nepotism by God, bitter
over being replaced on the list by His own
creation of oxygen; He just wanted to live
vicariously through His own son Jesus, who
wanted to become an author and a poet , and
to follow the music in his soul . He was
pushed reluctantly into a life of greatness,
religious conviction, and ultimately a brutal
murder, and as such, has been credited with a
spot on the Official List of the Best Things in
Existence, as well as being the central figure
in the second-largest religion the world has
ever seen , behind Jainism.
He ultimately did get to write a book that
achieved some degree of critical acclaim, the
Bible , and as such has been reported to be
content with his time on earth. (Actual
translation: 'Jesus the Nazarene')
Jesus promised to return, and if he does, he
will bring forth a giant army, with
recognizeable generals such as Karl Marx ,
Bruce Wayne and the Subservient Chicken.

Shapes in the Clouds

33 AD-668 AD
Following the ascension of Jesus Christ into
Heaven, his followers spent hundreds of years
looking to the sky waiting for his return. They
rarely found Jesus, but rocket ships, bunnies,
and really scary faces were reported in
abundance. So many followers of Satan spent
so much of their lives recording and analyzing
their findings that the art of looking for shapes
in clouds , or tripping, was added to the list.

The Printing Press

668 AD-1492 AD
The printing press* was invented in 668 and
revolutionized the world of reading. The first
books printed were the Guttenberg Bible, the
real Bible, William Shakespeare’s cult classic
Hamlet, and John Milton’s Paradise Island. So
successful were sales that the Book
Publishers Association of Europe lobbied for
the printing press to be included on the list. It
was, of course. ‘Cause you’re reading about it
now. Duh.
*Interesting Historical Fact #2: This website
was made with a printing press! Wow, isn’t
that neat, kids?
Columbus, America, and Other

Assorted Bullshit

1492 AD-1776 AD
The year 1492 gave us several great things.
First, it gave us a new addition onto the list,
one that covers several areas in one. It also
gave us the discovery of America, which
unfortunately would turn out to be the
beginning of the end of mankind. Christopher
Columbus , the director of the first two Harry
Potter films, became a household name two
solid years before the first house was ever
built. He had been just another underground
explorer waiting for his big break in
showbizness along side his three stripper-
wives, Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Clause
Marina. (The second of which, Pinta, was
named after her father's '72 Ford Pinto.) In
honor of his big break, his three stripper-
wives sang this now famous schoolboy
rhyme, “In fourteen hundred ninety-two,
Columbus sailed the ocean blue”. However,
the original verse included the now-forgotten
second couplet of “In fourteen hundred ninety-
six/Columbus gave the Indians syphilis”. Oh,
and Halley’s Comet was discovered, too. And
third, 1492 also gave us an enourmous aural
pleasure when Captain James C. Vangelis
tried out his bagpipe when landing with his
crew in the New York harbour. After all, the
discovery of America wasn't such a difficult
thing to do. Imagine Columbus could see the
Twin Towers and the Statue of Liberty from
far, far away. Besides, GPS was common
already then.

Homosexuality

1776 AD-1865 AD
No, this is so interesting, how can something
so old be the Best Thing in Existance in
1776? Well, lets talk about the gay couple
John and Abagail Adams, famous American
gays. Later, in Spanish California , Oscar Wilde
invented gayness and spread its popularity
there. In 1812, everyone in NYC died and got
replaced by gay people. Thomas Jefferson
hung the Manly Lisa on his wall in 1819 . Now
is that cool or what?
Every Piece of Southern Literature
Ever Written
1865 AD-1927 AD
In 1865, the smash novel Gone with Jane of
Green Heights was published. This book is the
only book ever written about the height of life
in the south, before it was destroyed, rebuilt,
and repopulated with inbreeders. It is the only
surviving record of an Alabama with graduate
students, without "smokes", and a gene pool
that doesn't completly invert.
1927
1927 AD
1927 is known as the greatest year, ever. And
why shouldn’t it be? It was fantastic,
everyone was smart, things went swell all
year round, people learned how to vocalize
their thoughts when being filmed, and the Dow
was always up, up, up! God, what a great
year. I wish I lived there.
Curiously, 1927 also holds the record for the
shortest amount of time at the top of the list.
However, this is only due to the fact that on
April 19, the next Best Thing Ever was
invented. . .
Sliced Bread
1927 AD- 1997 AD
Ah, sliced bread . Where would we be without
you? I’ll tell you, still risking staph infections
from slicing our own rye loafs, that’s where!
Sliced bread has taken all the danger out of
the American kitchen and has reduced the
amount of time it took the average person to
prepare themselves a delicious snack.

Professional Wrestling

1997 AD-2002 AD
Erm. . . Actually, we’re still trying to work out
how professional wrestling got on the list.
Granted, if it’s on here, then it must be for a
reason, and there’s no way to erase
something from the list. We’ve got scientists
and lawyers working on it. Trust me.
Notable additions to the world:
Livejournal Promos (Invented by "Mr.
Wrestling II" Chris Hero)
Stone Cold Steve Austin
Hulk Hogan
Steel chairs to the noggin
Chyna's Penis
The sight of grown men fighting over a
clothing accessory so large it’s rendered
virtually impractical
Peanut Butter. Extra Crunchy
The cause of World War IV ( Debated )
the word n00b
Eminem (Disputed)
2002 AD—2005 AD
On Eminem’s 2002 hit single Without Me , he
clearly states that he is the “best thing since
wrestling”, thereby adding himself to the list.
Many followers of the list shake their heads
and raise a public outcry.

The Dispute

Critics of Eminem’s inclusion on the list point
to the fact that he added himself to the list,
which isn’t allowed (unless you're God).
Furthermore, they prove that it doesn’t really
count, as historians are still searching for why
professional wrestling was added to the list,
and no new additions should take place until
people at least know why the previous holder
of the title is there.
LL Cool J released an album called The
Greatest Of All Time , which knocks Eminem's
rather lame boast into a cocked hat.

Yahoo Video Search

2005 AD-2010 AD
Not much explanation is needed for this one.
An Internet search for free video porn? And
you can search for whatever type of porn you
want: grannies, trannies, live donkey sex, dead
donkey sex, practically anything!
Another Dispute
Historians have still not figured out why
professional wrestling was added to The
Official List of the Best Things in Existence,
but the Board of Additions to the Official List
of the Best Things in Existence says, "Fuck
the 'No Additions to the List Until Historians
Figure Out Why the Previous Item Was Added'
rule!", so the addition stands, unless you're a
stubborn historian, in which case, the Board of
Additions to the Official List of the Best
Things in Existence tells you to bugger off.

Angry Birds

2013 AD
Angry Birds popped into existence when
couple of Finns got bored to death and
wanted to create a game featuring a few
wingless birds with no legs that had to be
fired out of a slingshot to murder some
immobile green pigs. Who could have thought
that the little mobile game would turned into
a huge craze around the world, spreading
major fandom and merchandise all over the
place. Even some movies have been turned
into birds. At least one out of the next 10
people you'll bump into will have something
Angry Birds related on them (no matter if they
have the game, draw stuff related to Angry
Birds, or wear Angry Birds clothes), and if you
step into a store, 9 times out of 8, you'll see
something Angry Birds related. If you're
wondering what they're going to come up with
next, you'll never know.

Minecraft

2013 AD - present
What just stared as an abandoned project
soon turned into a world filled with nothing
but block and cubes. As people view,
especially miners that only sees that one
person have created a 2nd world to live in,
and that one man is named Notch. Mostly
you'll see people bragging on how much of
their wasted life they used on creating artwork
by using nothing but blocks, and trying to
fight of creatures that will explode in your
face. Just be careful on what you do when on
this game, people can be friends with you and
stab you in the back.

The Future of the List

Who knows what’ll be next on the list? A new
advancement in technology? Moon bases?
Edible n00bs ? The End of the Internet as we
know it? Space Pirate Ninjas from 4096
named Orion Blastar who like to time travel ?
Anything could be added to the list. Even you!
¹ Humanity waits in collective reverence of the
Best Things Ever come before, and in awe of
the next Best Thing Ever to present itself. It’ll
be great.